I Want a Moment to Be Real
by iGoToExtremes
Summary: Finn visits Kurt in NYC but runs into someone *else* first. Angsty/wanky one-shot previously posted on Tumblr.


**Hi all. This was previously posted on Tumblr. Title and intra-story song lyrics are from "I'm Still Here" performed by Johnny Rzeznik. I don't own those, or Glee things. **

**More or less canon through 4x08-4x09. Rated M.**

* * *

_And I want a moment to be real,  
Wanna touch things I don't feel,  
Wanna hold on and feel I belong.  
And how can the world want me to change,  
They're the ones that stay the same.  
They can't see me,  
But I'm still here._

Shivering as the wind ripped around him, Finn zipped his winter coat up to his chin and continued his walk from the J train station to the run-down loft apartment building.

So much had changed in the two months since he'd last been there. It was strange to be going back, but he hadn't seen Kurt since Grease weekend and that was just not okay. Given their conflicting failed relationships, Kurt refused to come back to Lima and Finn didn't want to visit NY. The stalemate ended a week prior, when Kurt insisted that Rachel would be away for the weekend, thus removing Finn's excuse for avoiding the city.

Finn didn't want to think about where she was going (or with who).

He took a steadying breath and shifted the strap of his bag higher on his shoulder before he started up the stairs of the building.

* * *

As he climbed, he started to get excited about spending time with Kurt again. By the time he got to the door of the apartment he was all geared up for Christmas-themed sightseeing and warm milk chats and even the inevitable shopping trip he knew his brother would drag him on.

This excitement came crashing down when the apartment door swung open, revealing the last person he wanted to see.

Similarly surprised, she just stood there gaping at him.

"I, uh, you – Kurt said you wouldn't... be here," he sputtered awkwardly.

Rachel shrugged, ceremoniously looking around behind her. "Yeah, well, I am. And he's not." She stepped back, reluctantly allowing him enough room to enter the apartment.

She seemed just as floored as he felt at their surprise encounter.

Overcome by the awkwardness of the situation, Finn instinctively reached for his phone as a way to distract himself. He saw that he'd missed several text messages during his subway ride.

"Kurt is stuck at work," Finn said, a playful sarcasm lacing his voice as he scrolled through the texts. "Isabelle was 'struck by inspiration' after seeing one of his sketches and said that this is his 'time to shine'."

Rachel cracked a shy smile. "You know Kurt, always jumping headfirst into the spotlight."

They shared a laugh until the tension forced its way between them yet again. Finn found himself staring at the floor while Rachel looked off to the side.

After a beat, she cleared her throat. "Well, uh, this apartment is big enough where we shouldn't get in each other's way," she offered, motioning to the spacious common area behind her. "I'll be in my room."

With that she was gone, through the hanging-bead entrance to her sleeping area. Even though there were no actual doors, since October they'd apparently upgraded from flimsy curtains to large privacy partitions to form the walls of their bedrooms.

Finn sat down on the couch and blew out a breath in the wake of the unexpected run-in with his ex-fiancee. She looked good (duh), but something was... off. Whatever plans she'd had for the weekend had obviously busted, and it made him morbidly curious as to the circumstances. (He also mulled over the outside possibility that Kurt had set them up for this, but he was still fairly scarred from his breakup with Blaine and probably not able to come up with that kind of scheme.)

Sitting made Finn realize just how tired he was from his travels. Ignoring the pang he felt when he looked toward Rachel's room, he stretched out on the couch and closed his eyes.

* * *

He slept for about 2 hours before the smell of food woke him.

It took a minute or so to register that he was on Rachel and Kurt's couch in Brooklyn.

When he opened his eyes, there was a plate of scrambled eggs and toast on the coffee table, along with a glass of milk and a napkin, knife, and fork. The last thing he'd eaten was a muffin before his flight, so he was starving. Plus the food looked super delicious, so he didn't think twice before digging in.

The sound of silverware clanking against a plate in Rachel's room brought him back to the horrible reality of feeling so distant from his former love despite being so close to her.

He finished eating as quickly as he could before going back to sleep.

* * *

This time when Finn woke up he wasn't disoriented. He was, however, starting to grow impatient with Kurt for staying at work so late.

Hearing noise coming from the bathroom gave him hope that his brother had returned during his second nap. He cautiously stood from the couch and approached the alcove of the loft that led to the bathroom.

"Kurt?" he asked as he turned the corner.

"He's still not home," Rachel informed him without looking up from the vanity mirror. She was deep in concentration, studying her reflection in the vanity mirror while putting on eyeliner.

Finn couldn't help but stare as well, entranced by the girl in front of him. Since moving to New York her clothes and hair and makeup made her look so... different. He always knew that when she left Lima to achieve her dreams she might change her style a little bit, eventually. But he wasn't prepared for how quickly and drastically that happened.

It confused him because he hoped that the same Rachel he'd known and loved was still there... but if that was true, she probably didn't deserve him.

"You're staring," she said coldly, still not looking up. "Don't like what you see?"

He couldn't help but roll his eyes. New York had made her so bitterly sarcastic.

Finn blew out a breath, no longer shy about holding back his bitterness if that's how she was going to be. "You look great, there's no question about that. But you don't look like _you_."

Rachel gasped, the nerve having been struck. "Well what about you, hmm?! You're not in the Army anymore, you don't need to walk around looking all... dashingly heroic and muscular!"

"Well, I'm _sorry _if not being in a relationship means I have more free time to spend in the gym. I guess 'moving on' only allows one of us to change their appearance." He scoffed to himself. "I'm gonna go take a walk or something, have fun wherever you're going tonight."

While he was stepping away from the bathroom, Rachel made a noise that sounded like something between a groan and a whimper.

"Huh?" he asked instinctively, turning back toward her.

"I don't _have _anywhere to go," she said quietly, looking down at the sink.

The sad way she said it cut right through him.

"Well, I mean I don't have _plans_," she explained, gesturing to the scene which suggested that she was getting ready to go out. "I figured I'd just go to the coffee shop down the street. Make it seem like I had somewhere important to be."

Finn looked off to the side, unsure of what to say. He bit the inside of his cheek in the hopes that it would help him ignore the clenching in his heart.

"I _was _supposed to be away this weekend, you know," she continued. "Right after Thanksgiving, Brody asked me to go home with him for the first part of winter break. He said that his night with Cassandra was a one-time thing and he wanted us to 'start fresh.' I believed him and we booked our tickets to Montana. Then yesterday he said that it wasn't working out. When I asked why, he said that he was tired of waiting for me to be ready to... be intimate."

Finn's eyes bugged out of his head after hearing Rachel's rambling confession. Wasn't Cassandra her teacher? The douche spent the night with a teacher?! That sounded insane.

(Okay so maybe he got the sense that Marley had a little crush on him, but they were 16 and 19, not 21 and... however old Broadway-flameout college dance teachers are. And Finn wasn't really a teacher, nor did he want to or plan on _doing_ anything with Marley even though she was a super nice girl.)

All of that aside, something else stuck out in what Rachel had said.

"Why?"

"Why _what_?" Her voice was watery.

"Why couldn't you... do that... with him."

She closed her eyes and swallowed. "Because he's not **you**." She smirked snidely. "On paper, he fit this new life and my dreams perfectly. But he doesn't fit with _me_."

When she looked up she seemed strangely calm and confident, as if what she'd just said had been weighing on her and she was relieved to be able to say it.

Before she could say anything else, Finn closed the space between them and pressed his mouth against hers. Rachel was still for a beat before her lips parted to allow his tongue entrance. Once she reciprocated he grasped her hips and hoisted her small body onto the counter, making their activities easier.

Kissing her again was like coming home, nevermind that they hadn't spoken in weeks and had been japing at one another minutes before. Rachel could be so impulsive and he worried that she'd regret anything they did in the heat of the moment, but the thought vanished from his mind when he felt her gripping the back of his neck. He opened his eyes to find hers delicately closed, as if in thoughtful concentration on their dueling tongues.

Reassured, Finn gave in to the months of pent-up need and longing, gripping the sides of her face and abruptly deepening the kiss.

Rachel moaned in response, her fingers sliding up the back of his neck and lacing into his hair. The gentle tugging made all of his blood rush south, the familiarity of their closeness pushing him onto autopilot. His hands found the hem of her sweater, dancing along the smooth expanse of her stomach and up towards her chest. As if to urge him on, Rachel detached her lips from his and trailed them along his jaw and neck. The contact made him groan and he instinctively cupped her breasts through the satin cups of her bra.

"Finn..." she whined urgently, hands gripping his belt buckle jut as her teeth clasped around his earlobe.

"Do you... want... bedroom?" he managed to gasp while he unhooked her bra before firmly squeezing her breasts again.

"No," she breathed huskily in his ear before scraping her teeth along his neck again. "Here."

Finn certainly didn't need any further encouragement, turning his head and mashing their mouths together once again while initiating a flurried whirlwind of clothing removal.

Save for Marley's doe-eyed glances Finn had received nothing in the way of female attention in Lima. He'd also found it difficult to _help himself_ in that way because his thoughts inevitably wandered to Rachel... which made him more sad than anything else.

Now, though, she was naked on her bathroom counter, deftly unfastening his belt and fly as he attached his mouth to her pert nipple. She arched into him and shucked his pants and boxers down, the two articles joining the pile on top of the bath mat.

Rachel wrapped her bare calves around the backs of his thighs, pulling him close to her and grasping his forearms as they kissed again. Reveling in the feeling of her creamy skin against his body, Finn could barely think. He felt the kiss becoming more urgent, a haze washing over him while he skated his hands over every part of her body he could reach.

Before long her chest was heaving and her eyes dark with lust.

"I barely let him touch me at all, you know," she whispered when he was all the way inside her.

Hearing that was something of a relief, but it triggered a possessive response just the same. Immediately Finn began thrusting into Rachel relentlessly, grasping her hips to steady her small body atop the counter.

She didn't seem to mind, tightening her legs around his waist and clinging to him while he pounded into her over and over again. It didn't take long before she stiffened and dug her fingertips into his shoulders as she came with a strangled cry. He followed right behind, spilling inside her and biting his lip to keep from moaning too loud.

When he caught his breath he noticed the tears falling from her eyes. Operating purely on instinct he reached up, using the pads of his thumb to wipe them away.

Rachel tried to pull back, clearly overwhelmed by her own response to the situation.

"F-Finn, I... I..." she stammered

"Shhh, it's okay, Rach."

"No! It's not okay," she sobbed quietly. "I wanted you to be here with me before you were ready and then I chased you away and shoved my relationship with that **_imbecile_** in your face—"

"Hey," he said sharply, tilting her chin up so they made eye contact again. "I don't care about any of that. I just care about _you_." He brushed a few strands of hair out of her face, maintaining eye contact and trying to convey the undeniable love that he would always feel for her – the _real_ her, underneath the highlighted hair and heavy eye makeup.

Rachel exhaled, a hopeful smile creeping across her face.

She looked like _his_ Rachel again, and he couldn't hold back his mile-wide grin. He pressed a kiss to her forehead and she giggled, wrapping her slender arms around his middle and resting her head on his chest.

He sank his hands into her hair, holding her close to him in silence for what felt like ages.

They might not be able to figure everything out right away, he thought, but he didn't plan to let her go any time soon.

* * *

"Sorry I'm so late!" Kurt said, pushing open the door to the apartment. "Did the super let you in? I suspect he's running a pawn shop out of the basement but at least he's always here!"

After placing his bag in its usual spot by the door he crossed the entryway towards the living room, stopping in his tracks with a gasp at the sight before him.

His brother and his roommate were entwined on the couch, asleep. Finn wore only boxer shorts; Rachel was clad in what appeared to be his shirt.

Kurt scoffed and rolled his eyes, incredulous with himself for not predicting that this would result from Finn's visit.

Studying them again, though, he couldn't help but smile before he quietly retreated to his room.

_They can't tell me who to be,  
'Cause I'm not what they see.  
And the world is still sleepin',  
While I keep on dreamin' for me.  
And their words are just whispers  
And lies that I'll never believe._

* * *

**Reviews are love! Happy Holidays! :)**_  
_


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